Making the Internet My Accountability Partner

I am a firm believer that our relationship with ourselves is just as if not more important than any romantic relationship we may be involved with. This Valentine’s Day I am reflecting on the health of my relationship with myself.

Communication – Communication includes not just how do I speak to myself but also how do I listen to myself. I sometimes find I listen to myself in the way a permissive parent listens to a toddler. I know intellectually what is in my best interest, but when another part of me starts complaining I give in, instead of doing what’s right. I need to learn to be kind but firm in sticking to my values and goals. And that kind part has been difficult to me. I overall have made significant improvement in my self-compassion and self-acceptance, but I’m not at 90%, which I think is a realistic goal.

Respect – Respect and communication are heavily intertwined in the sense that the way I talk about/to myself reinforces judgements I have made of myself. My biggest struggle is self-comparison. I feel I can’t/shouldn’t respect myself because I should be more like *insert name* to earn respect. I am still learning how to admire others without putting myself down.

Trust – One symptom of my self-trust I’m keeping an eye on is how much I second guess myself. At this point in my life I am able to combat these self-doubts with a “you never know until you try” attitude. This has done wonders for my self confidence as I’m giving myself the chance to prove my capabilities.

Commitment – What commitments have I made to myself and why do I make them? I have made a commitment to take better care of myself because I want to be happy and healthy. Using this as a guide post I’ve committed to exercising more, eating a more balanced diet, spending time outside, socializing, paying off credit card debt, and building an emergency savings. How am I currently doing on these goals, it’s a mixed bag. I’m doing pretty well in the exercise, time outside, socialization, and paying off debt departments. I unfortunately haven’t been too good at eating a balanced diet and saving. The benefit to these reflections is allowing me to course correct back towards my goals.

Now that I have identified what areas I need to improve on, what are my next steps? I recently was reading a book on personal finance that recommended naming your future self. The idea is that once you can think of your future self as someone with different life experience and life goals than you it’s easier to prioritize their needs above your wants. When I’m communicating with myself I am going to take a piece of this advice and honestly a piece of my own advice that I give in my day job as a therapist. That is I am going to recognize my thoughts and current wants as only part of me and my experience. I’m naming my older self Gail and when I listen and speak to myself I recognize that I also listening and speaking to her and she deserves kindness, even if I can’t be convinced that I deserve kindness. Similarly because Gail deserves respect I need to respect her and the nugget of her that is in me, even when I struggle to respect myself. Commitment is a tricky one because it is much less all or nothing than the previous values. For example, my savings goal is reduced in priority while I’m paying off debt and I know that once the most pressing debt is paid I can reprioritize savings. For eating a better diet I am going to identify my SMART goals. (More on that in another post so stay tuned!)

What are your markers of a healthy relationship with yourself and how do you feel you are doing? Feel free to share your thoughts, struggles, and goals as much as you feel comfortable. Afterall, you’re my accountability partner, so I can be yours too!