Making the Internet My Accountability Partner

I am a fat woman. And I am still working through my internalized shame surrounding that word. I love and accept my body as it is, but I am so much more comfortable using euphemisms. I can freely describe myself as “bigger” or “plus sized”, but saying “fat” is something I’m still attempting to reclaim. I have been reading fat liberation literature for a while and when I recently came across Fat Girls Hiking by Summer Michaud-Skog in an indie bookstore, I knew I needed to make it next on my TBR. I have since finished the book and wanted to contribute my experience to the representation of Fat Girls Hiking.

I love hiking and exercise generally as a way to find joyful movement and celebrate everything my body can do. Hiking in particular is particularly great for my mental health since it gets me outside and connected to the world. I have been very grateful that if I have experienced exclusion from the community of hikers and outdoorsy people I have not noticed. I also am only a size 2x so most brands of clothing and gear will carry my size. I have a lot of privilege within the fat community, not just with regards to accessibility in sizing, but I also have white, cis, and able-bodied privileges.

Unfortunately this doesn’t necessarily make fighting my inner demons any easier. I am very critical of myself for everything I feel doesn’t make me fit in; from the pace I hike, how many breaks I take, how hard I breath, to how much I sweat. I typically hike with my friend and roommate who is a dancer and therefore much more active and fit, and the internal self comparisons are brutal. She is such a kind soul and has never said or intimated anything unkind or judgmental. We try and often do hike together with good results, but there have been times where I have honored my body’s needs and agreed to separate so we can hike at separate paces or so she can summit, while I won’t.

Once on a pretty empty trail I separated not just because we were hiking at vastly different paces, but also because I was really fighting with self doubt and self worth issues that day. I wound up on one of my rests crying on the side of mountain. I couldn’t keep pushing those thoughts out of my mind, so I allowed myself to feel. For me crying can be a re-regulating experience and when I was finished I found I had the emotional and mental space to reframe and focus on the joyful movement and pride in what I could do. I did wind up summitting, even though I didn’t think I would when we separated. I came out of that hike a stronger person then when I started.

That was our most recent hike. I have since done a few solo hikes and have had a much better internal experience. As we approach warmer weather and changing work schedules we are looking to hike together again. I know I will need, for my own growth and wellbeing, to be honest about my struggles and have an open conversation about when we should hike separately and when I need to accept that she accepts me regardless of my internal monologue.