Making the Internet My Accountability Partner

I’ve been taking a hard look at why I buy the things I buy. This started as a tool for financial health, but I have also noticed improvements in my mental health. I feel better when I enjoy my environment and I enjoy a clutter free environment. So I’ve been trying to institute a 24 hour pause in between wanting something for the first time and buying it.

One thing I’ve been thinking about and wanting for a while is a fanny pack. They’re super popular now and they do seem quite useful. However, I already own so many purses. Part of my mind was justifying the purchase by saying I don’t own a fanny pack so this would fill the niche, but I reasoned back that I have purses that fill the purpose of being small that I don’t reach for.

In sitting with these thoughts instead of shopping I reaffirmed the reason that I don’t reach for smaller purses. Namely, that I like having room for a book, both because I love reading and tend to have a book with me, but also because I’ve been using a budget journal to track my spending and I keep it on me at all times. I have a go to purse for this purpose that I overall love.

So why was I wanting a fanny pack? After some thought, I realized that each time I was wishing my purse was smaller, I was not actually upset with the purse. Instead I was upset about the amount of space I was taking up. As a fat woman, there isn’t just media messaging about what size a woman should be. The world is built to remind me and other fat people that we don’t belong. Every time a chair’s arms dig into my sides, every time an aisle is built narrowly, I am reminded that the world wants me to be smaller.

On top of this messaging I also have body dysmorphia, which means I can have a very distorted view of the way my body looks, particularly for me regarding size. Somehow my brain convinced itself that when I was feeling insecure about the space I take up, it was actually the purses fault. And if I just bought the smaller purse I would look like the models in the ads and take up less space.

Now that I know I want the fantasy the ads were selling and not the purse I can focus on working through my body image issues. I not only saved myself the $20-$30 I was going to spend on a fanny pack, I saved myself the emotional toll of spending money on an item that was just going to add to the physical and emotional clutter of my life. More importantly, in giving myself a chance identify the actual problem and employ my coping skills I am stronger and wiser the next time body dysmorphia rears its head.