Making the Internet My Accountability Partner

Humans are not logical beings. Emotions are wrapped up in everything, including our stuff. Since I live in a small Boston apartment I am limited on space, and I’ve noticed I feel better when I feel less overwhelmed by my belongings. And in comes the declutter process. To start with I am focusing on my clothes because I not only want to feel good about how much space they’re taking up but I also want to feel good about them when they’re on my body.

I’ve noticed some immediate challenges, the first being work. I currently work from home with the repeated possibility of “we’re trying to move back into a hybrid model”. So I tend to dress more casually in my day to day, but if we were to go back into office I don’t want to buy a new set of work appropriate clothes. The other thing I’m considering with this process is I’d be going into the office 2 days a week max. How many work clothes do I genuinely need?

That being said I’ve really struggled to downsize my work clothes. I recognize that it has a lot to do with not just my habits, but why I have those habits. I want to be the kind of person who still dresses professionally and treats my work from home job the same way I did my in person job. However, I do have depression that manifests as periods of low energy and low motivation. There are some weeks where I work in my pajamas or in sweats because I can’t force myself to do more they way I could when I needed to leave the apartment. But on days/weeks where I’m feeling like my regular self I am utilizing my workwear while at home. Downsizing my workwear because I don’t often wear them currently is more appealing during my depressive days because I wouldn’t have that reminder of what I’m “missing”. But to do more than what I have currently done and process my emotions regarding that step feels like something I should discuss with my therapist.

The other challenge has been letting go of my “fantasy self”. Even on my good days there are things I aspire to that are just not me. It’s been hard to acknowledge that even if I like something in theory, if I’m not actually wearing it ever I don’t need to keep it. For me it’s patterns; my fantasy self is someone who wears bright and eye catching patterns. My fantasy self goes through a number of evolutions in a year based on what style is trending that week and sometimes I find myself making purchases based on that fantasy. In reality I tend to gravitate towards solid colors in a softer palette. That’s not to say that I don’t have any patterned clothes, but when I’m on the fence on an item noticing that it’s more for my fantasy self than for my current self has been freeing.

It is odd for me to notice that discrepancy between the emotional attachment I have to the person I am on good days and the lack of attachment I have to that fantasy self. When I’m in a depressive episode both versions of myself feel equally unattainable, but I at least have the memory of I’ve been my “good day” self before and I can again. Whereas I’ve never been and realistically don’t foresee myself ever being that fantasy self.

After this decluttering exercise I’m feeling quite a bit of success. It still seems like a lot of clothes on paper, but I was able to fit both my summer and winter wardrobes into my closet at the same time. No more need for storage! From now on I’ll be following the one in one out rule which will keep my closet at a maintainable level, save me money, and be better for the environment. More importantly, I feel like I’ve grown a lot from the reflection process. While I might not have all the answers yet, I know what questions I need to ask. I am a happier and emotionally healthier person than I was yesterday. I have new tools and experiences to help me prepare for future challenges and life experiences.

This process has helped me identify an area where I still have lessons to learn and room to grow. I don’t typically save my closet purge for one specific big event, I will go through and discard things whenever I see fit. On one hand, because I typically feel like I’m only getting rid of an item or two at a time, I don’t have any emotional hang ups about getting rid of things that I had spent money on, because in the moment the “total” seems so small. But because I’m not seeing the real cost of how I cycle through clothes, I feel like I’m overall spending more money on clothes because I don’t see them as investments. For me working on that mindset piece begins with the closet of clothes I already own. I’m learning to recognize the value that each piece brings to me without needing each piece to reach an unattainable perfection.