Making the Internet My Accountability Partner

Featured Photo by the blowup on Unsplash

On this blog I’ve skirted the topic before, so now I want to explore my thoughts on the consumption of material goods. In my heart and habits, I’m a Material Girl, but there is something about minimalism that is so alluring. I understand that in large part, I am attracted to the fantasy I’ve built about how stress-free a minimalist life would be. The reality is, I love beautiful things, and watching Hannah Louise Poston’s YouTube channel has encouraged me to consider how am I able to value my beautiful things if I feel overwhelmed by them.

From a financial perspective my initial thoughts centered on the idea that my purchases weren’t adding value to my life, that they were unnecessary. I thought that my roadblock to financial freedom was “frivolous” spending. To some extent, I do think I need a better plan going into the holiday season at the end of the year because last year put me into a bit of debt. In examining the last few months, I don’t have any regrets about what the money was spent on, but rather I have concerns about my mindset/motivation when I was spending.

Two themes that stick out speak to impulsivity and internal pressure. I am grateful that no one in my life is engaged in any sort of materialistic or consumeristic peer pressure. However, I worry that if I am with a friend and we go into a store together and I don’t make an effort to buy anything, I am somehow not engaging appropriately in the outing. It sounds so stupid when I say it out loud, but it feels very uncomfortable in the moment and my immediate reaction is to soothe that emotion by shopping. I have also noticed that I can become overwhelmed by the desire to buy something, a recent example being an e-reader. I had decided I wanted an e-reader while in Maryland and I knew it wasn’t financially in the cards for me to buy one at that moment, besides I was still doing some research to see what I wanted. I told myself I’d wait til I was back home to be able to make the purchase.

The entire 8-hour ride from Maryland to Massachusetts, the back of my mind was a continuous loop of “I want an e-reader” and “When can I buy an e-reader”. I did eventually give in to this all consuming want. It is a purchase I am happy with and I know I will get years of use out of it, but I would have liked to enjoy the experience rather than feel like this want was controlling me. The other side effect of this purchase is that since I hadn’t prepared to spend that money with that current paycheck I put it on my credit card, which I did pay off before it was due. However, one of my goals for the month was to limit my credit card usage to buying gas (I get the most points for gas/public transit purchases).

It may not seem like a big deal but setting me back on that goal has large implications on my mental health. It adds to this pile of internal evidence that I have no self-discipline, that I’ll never actually be able to reach my financial goals or achieve financial health. This internal belief creates a defeatist attitude, which can derail me from my goals. This constant desire for different habits, stress over making it happen, and then self-flagellation when I fail, has led me to have a very unhealthy relationship with money. What I need is not just a budget or savings plan, but also mental and emotional healing. I need to be able to trust myself more and that starts with questioning what my fears tell me.

As much as I tell myself I don’t want to feel controlled by the desire to shop, I’m seeking out that overwhelming want in the false belief that anything that does not strike this urge is somehow “not good enough”. I realized this want is tied to my fantasy self. I have bought into the advertising lie that I can purchase my way to happiness. I am most struck by that deep visceral want when I find something that promises to fill some discontent I have with my life.

Denying myself the ability to purchase to self soothe has opened my eyes to how much time I spend browsing and window shopping. This behavior doesn’t align with my vision of mindful consumerism. Partway through the week I realized that I would have a very terrible week if I kept going at the pace I was those first couple of days. I have been encouraging myself to engage in my hobbies and predictably have seen a lot of benefits from doing so. I’ve also started using my current belongings as a way to engage with the fantasy self. Because ultimately, my future self is made not bought.

Moving forward, I can definitely benefit from additional no-buy weeks. It is its own kind of rewarding to challenge myself and prove I can do something different. I can’t wait to meet the person I will become as I incorporate the mental, emotional, and personal lessons I learned. I hope this reflection has helped you in someway and that together we can build a better relationship with our spending habits and the things we buy.