Making the Internet My Accountability Partner

Featured Photo by Emily Underworld on Unsplash

Everyone has moments in their life where they struggle with their mental health. For many, including myself, it is an ongoing process. Although over the years I have learned a thing or two that have made me a better version of myself. An analogy I find really useful is that our lives, especially our mental health, are like a spiral staircase. We may feel like we are returning to the same problems, but each time we return we are better equipped to handle things and we continue moving upward despite the circling nature of the journey.

I first noticed my need for mental healthcare after my freshman year of college. I was privileged enough to enroll in a program that allowed me to spend my entire freshman year in Florence, Italy. I was excited to embark on the adventure of a lifetime. However, I knew no one else in this program. I had always been on the reserved side and without the structure and constant exposure to my classmates I struggled to make friends. With all of my typical structure and supports falling away I found that I would rarely leave my bed, rarely get dressed, and generally struggled with motivation, especially the first semester. In the spring I realized that despite my struggles I had still made a friend and shared how I wanted to force myself to socialize more. She helped keep me accountable for my new goals.

Once I was on campus in the U.S. I made sure to immediately reach out to the friends I had for continued support and I reached out to the on-campus therapists. During my sophomore and junior years of college, I noticed my anxiety getting so much worse. I would often be too anxious to sleep and that was how I found out coffee only makes me more anxious. COVID hit my junior year. I was home driving my younger sibling around when my third-ever panic attack struck, while I was driving. I immediately called my PCP (when parked) and scheduled a visit to discuss anxiety meds. I got prescribed a low-dose SSRI and it did help. I stayed on the same dose, although I didn’t go back to therapy and I probably should have, for about two years. Towards the end of my master’s program, my PCP’s office called to schedule my yearly appointment so they could continue prescribing my meds and the receptionist had called the SSRI anti-depressants. I was studying Social Work, which does have a large mental health component. I knew that SSRIs were used to treat depression and anxiety, but hearing that info specifically about me suddenly made everything make sense. Because once again I had little structure, little built-in support, and I was struggling to get out of bed, take care of myself, or have any motivation. So when I went to the appointment I talked with my doctor about potential adjustments and she agreed to increase the dose. Shortly after graduation, I moved to Boston which meant a new PCP who recommended a switch in the specific SSRI I was taking. And once I had a stable job I found a therapist who accepted my health insurance.

Now I still have bad days, but I have years of experience which has helped me recognize the patterns that my depression takes and the holistic lifestyle choices that keep me the happiest and healthiest I can be. I’m sure you may also have recognized some of those patterns and the things that helped me. I will go into detail about my own self-care habits and coping tools in the next post. I will also share some advice and tips for anyone who is also struggling with anxiety or depression, however that may manifest for them.