Making the Internet My Accountability Partner

Featured Photo by Ümit Bulut on Unsplash

Depressive episodes are insidious. In this midst of things, it’s never clear to me what’s going on. I see the side effects of depression in my life, but I attribute it not to my mental health, for which I can use coping skills and accommodations, but rather to some inherent flaw in who I am, which only encourages spirals of shame and self-blame. What I hate most about this cycle is because of my lack of self-awareness, I don’t use the appropriate tools to try and make things better. What often happens, is what happened yesterday. I wake up and once I get dressed for the day (which wasn’t until 1 pm), I realize how much better I feel and suddenly with that clarity I realize why I felt so off.

One thing I don’t have a good answer to is how do I actually prevent depressive episodes (without changing my medication). I know that routines are good for me and I know which routines work best for me, but how do I prevent myself from lapsing for too long? The only thing my mind is supplying is “just do it” which is not a good answer. I’d love to say I can ask my therapist about this and while she’d have an answer I just know I don’t feel super connected to her. I haven’t felt like I’ve had any significant insights or behavior changes as a result of working with her. The appropriate thing to do would be to raise these concerns and see if I can work things out with her before changing therapists. Despite everything I know about being on her end of things I am scared of how uncomfortable that discussion would be for me.

That question aside, what I do know I need to do for the foreseeable future is to return to my after-work routines. Ideally, I would go to the gym, come home to make food, spend a couple of hours on hobbies, shower, journal, and go to sleep. Unfortunately, I’ve once again found myself sucked into the mindless consumption of social media. I’ve thought about going all or nothing and deleting my apps, but I want to learn moderation and self-discipline.

That sentiment not only applies to social media usage but also to finances. As bad as it can feel to face how messed up my finances are at the moment, I feel so much more empowered knowing I have a plan to correct things. Long term I need to find a balance between avoiding eating out and spending $600 eating out. This balance quest is something I have been wanting to work on for a while and one of the first signs for me that maybe this therapist I’m working with is not as good a fit as I’d want. I will certainly provide an update next week after my session.