Making the Internet My Accountability Partner

I started this blog almost two years ago. I was just beginning my financial journey and felt in some way I could use this blog as my accountability partner (hence the name) to make sure I reached my goals. I have waxed and waned in my efforts, but I’ve always come back. In my last post I discussed my recent depressive episode and how it impacted my screen time. I want to talk now about the impacts I’ve noticed lately on my finances.

When it became clear I was getting low in my depression I thankfully was only a couple weeks away from a regular appointment with my doctor so I could talk about potential changes to my medication. In the meantime, I was still going to be trying everything I could to manage my mental health. I noticed that the dopamine rush of buying things was the only surefire way to have a positive feeling.

Despite knowing that it was ultimately a harmful process both for my long term mental wellbeing and my finances I allowed myself to shop with less restrictions than I usually had. Michael’s craft store was my biggest weakness in this period. I got a storage cart I had previously said was a waste of money for me, (turns out though it is perfect for my needs.) I got stickers and washi tape, (as if I didn’t already have enough). I also started exploring rubber stamps.

I already had a rubber stamp and purple ink pad from a couple years ago. I found some second hand stamp sets that I really liked. Then I went to Michael’s craft store. I was already in a space where I was shopping just to feel something and then I overheard a staff member say they close in two minutes. I instantly felt a panic. It was clear by her tone and her follow up words that she was joking, but I couldn’t shake this sense of urgency, which prevented any ounce of thinking. I wound up purchasing one new stamp set and three sets of ink pads.

The regret set in the next day. Thankfully I hadn’t opened anything, but I wasn’t ready to make any decisions. Around the same time I had purchased a Blackpink x Moleskine journal set. I was so excited for it and built this vision in my head of what it’d be like to use them. But then it was delivered; and it was much smaller than I thought it would be. It was small enough that I knew I wouldn’t use it. The disappointment was almost crushing. I talked with my partner about my feelings and I also journaled about them on my own. I have come to the decision to return the notebook set; I already submitted the request. The stamps were slightly harder because I do believe I’d use them I just also know its too much too soon for a new interest. I’m returning the new stamp set and two of the ink pad sets.

I feel better being intentional about my purchases and my explorations. This much had been clear to me even before the regrets with the Michael’s and Moleskine purchases. I have been consuming a lot of journaling content online lately. One brand that is very popular is Louise Carmen, particularly the leather journal covers. The more I’m exposed to journaling content and engaging creatively with my own journaling process the more I can see myself liking something like the Louise Carmen journal covers.

However, they are expensive and I currently have some journal line ups that would not work well with the cover I have picked out. I realized that I could line up this journal cover as a reward for meeting a milestone of my debt payoff. Between the journals I need to use first and my hopes for the debt payoff plan it will be a year before I buy myself this cover. As much as I am coveting this journal cover I feel better about knowing that as soon as I have it I can use it seamlessly in my life. And already it feels so much more meaningful to have this not be an item I bought on a whim but something I worked hard for.

Just where in my debt payoff plan is this milestone? I put it just after Car Loan Phase 2. That means I am going to finish paying off the remaining $3500 for Car Loan Phase 1, I’ll pay off the remaining $1300 for Student Loan number 2, and pay off all $5k of Car Loan phase two before I purchase the leather journal cover. Before writing this post I was reflecting on my need to rethink my spending habits to reach this goal. I didn’t believe a full blown no-buy would be realistic or helpful but I didn’t know what to do.

Now considering the size of the mountain I have to climb before I can have this item I am coveting I believe that I can reset my finances by weighing whether my considered nonessential purchases mean more to me than this journal cover. The way I feel right now I’d be hard pressed to buy anything if that question is at the forefront of my mind. So I’ll be carrying a thinner notebook I used for notes in school at one point that I already ripped the used pages out of. In the front I’ll have essentially a flow chart of is it essential, is it a gift for a specific person for a specific occasion, is it worth delaying my journal cover? Each week Fri-Thursday I’ll keep a log of the purchases I consider and whether or not I get them. I’ll add up the total and contribute at least that amount to one of my debts. I’d like to try to check in every other week on this blog about any trend I noticed and how much I’m putting towards my debt pay off plan.