Making the Internet My Accountability Partner

Around the end of October I realized I was in a months long depressive episode. I started a few structured self-care activities to begin pulling myself out. Naturally, as part of these activities journaling was something that came up again and again. I have been journaling consistently for years, but this was the first time I found prompts to be super helpful. This and the doors that it has opened for me could be it’s own first day post, but I want to focus on my answer to one specific prompt.

The prompt was: When was the last time you felt like yourself?

I initially couldn’t answer it. Not only has the months long depression impacted my ability to feel like my fullest most actualized self, but even before that my life was in such fluctuation that I never got the chance to feel like me in my new life. While journaling, I was really inspired by that idea that each day you get to partake in crafting the new version of you. Losing previous chapters of your life can be tough and knowing that there’s always something new awaiting you provides hope during the transition.

However, as I write this a few days later, I am consumed by the grief of having lost not just my previous chapters in life but with them my sense of self. For multiple reasons I am feeling very untethered and not having the foundation of knowing who I am and having that trust in myself is terrifying.

The now what section of my reflections is a little bleak this time around. Part of it is working with my mental health team. I could start creating a vision statement of who I want to be a la Covey’s 7 Habits, but anything I come up with feels too grand or abstract to be something I can make actionable right now. On a small scale I can start recognizing moments that feel valuable to me or feel authentic to me in my day to day life. Hopefully having this log helps me build a foundation on which to weather the storm of life.