Making the Internet My Accountability Partner

This last week, I hit a total of $2k saved for my dog’s surgery. That was the high-end estimate the vet had given us, if he didn’t need any teeth pulled. Considering my dog is 11 and has never had his teeth cleaned, I’m betting there will be some pulled. I would like at least another $500 saved before his surgery in 3 weeks, which I feel very confident about.

Over the past three weeks, some of the nonessential items I considered but didn’t buy included a $25 tarot deck, two $10 coloring books, a $10 switch controller, and an $8 coloring book. I have also been considering an instant photo printer, but mostly as a reward for completing my debt payoff plan. However, over the holidays, I was gifted some cash, and the urge to buy an $80-$100 instant photo printer struck really hard. I ultimately talked myself out of it because of the inconsistent reviews I was seeing, and at that price point, I want to guarantee I will love it.

I can’t be certain, but I suspect just a couple weeks prior, the mixed reviews wouldn’t have been such a deterrent. The reason it is currently a strong deterrent has to do with what I bought over the past few weeks. The biggest purchase is my phone upgrade, which on its own retails for $1200. Because I was eligible for a credit towards my upgrade, it only cost me $276 out of pocket. I also ordered a phone case, which cost $12, but needs to be shipped, so I don’t have it yet. In the meantime, the surface of the screen is so smooth and frictionless that I can’t set it down on its face or it will slide off onto the floor. Considering the retail value of the phone, this flaw is stressing me out. I don’t know that it was truly buyer’s remorse, but I have been distressed about this phone. Thankfully, that distress has been decreasing as I’ve just adjusted to keeping the phone face up during the day and on the floor face down at night.

When we talk about being a conscious consumer, about being intentional with what items we bring into our lives, we talk about choosing higher-quality items or not compromising on our needs for a product. When we frame it like that, it’s such a positive lesson that it feels really motivating. Which is why content creators or anyone trying to convince you to join the conscious consumption movement will frame it this way; they want this side of the experience to feel inviting. But underneath that positivity is the reality that, as a human and an individual inside of larger systems, you will inevitably make purchases that aren’t perfect. The unintentional pressure for perfection that we place on the products we bring into our lives can, for some of us, trigger really strong negative emotional experiences.

I know that with my diagnosed anxiety disorder, I am much more ‘at risk’, so to speak, for these downsides of the experience. Not just that I’m predisposed to catastrophize when things go wrong, but I am much more likely to place the perfection pressure on my choices. And ultimately, I am realizing that’s the crux of the issue. I’m not judging the product; I am judging myself. I am judging myself within this internal (often subconscious) framework that if I make wrong choices it means that I am not good enough as a person and if I’m not good enough as a person then that means I’m unlovable or I’m unworthy of happiness.

I can tell myself that logically none of that is true, but rewriting those core beliefs takes a lot more work. Lately, I have been practicing exposure therapy. Letting myself experience that sense of not measuring up just a little bit, and letting myself realize that the world is not crumbling around me. Slowly, I will reach a place where I can begin rewriting the internal script.

Thankfully, the two other purchases I’ve made have been a much more positive experience. I spent $6 on a teapot-shaped saucer for my tea bag to rest on, and it’s brought me so much joy each time I use it. Just yesterday, I bought a $14 set of beautiful washi tape from Michael’s. I already used it in my journal last night; it is so exciting to add these visual elements to what, for the longest while, was a writing-only space. It sounds counterintuitive, but the purely decorative additions have made me reflect on my thoughts and experiences in a way I didn’t when I was just freeform writing. This new perspective has helped me process, move through, and grow from my experiences. Ultimately, the decoration has helped me actualize the intention of my journaling practice.

I still have so much more room to grow. If you have journaling suggestions or want to talk more about anxiety management strategies or just want to talk about low buys/conscious consumerism, please feel free to leave a comment. I fully believe we all grow more when we are the village that lifts each other up.